East of Edam
by Lord Agravane the Undead
Summary: Archie is really narked because Shelley and Maxie are dating. He decides to get one over on Team Magma by asking Courtney out on a date. Hmm, now how will that go :P
1. Chapter 1

**East of Edam **

_By Lord Agravane the Undead_

Disclaimer: I don't own Pokemon and I wrote everything while sober. F*ck yeah, being sober.

* * *

**Part 1**

Archie wasn't happy. Nope, not happy at all.

He stamped up and down his cabin, a glass of rum in hand.

"I can't believe it", he sulked. "I can't bloody believe this. Shelley and Maxie!"

He looked across at the table, where Matt was sitting. Archie had dragged Matt in his cabin, primarily to have somebody to moan at and to sympathise with him. Archie glared at Matt, waiting for a suitable response.

Matt shrugged. "Well, she's a big girl, Boss", he said. "She can sleep with whoever she wants".

"Yes, I know that", said Archie impatiently. "But...it's Maxie. The leader of Team Magma!" He gulped down some more rum. "What the hell has that skinny, red-haired git got that allows him to tempt one of our lovely Team Aqua girls into bed with him?"

"I dunno", said Matt, reaching for the bottle of rum. "Maybe he has magnetic sex appeal?"

"Magnetic sex appeal, my arse. And oi, that's MINE!" Archie snatched the bottle out of Matt's grasp. "More likely he was waffling on about some stupid bloody Team Magma project and Shelly kissed him just to make him shut the hell up!"

"Uh, maybe", said Matt. "But then, what was Shelly doing hanging around Maxie anyway?"

"Oh, I give up", said Archie, grabbing the bottle again and refilling his glass. "You're about as much use as a chocolate bloody teapot".

"Sorry Boss", said Matt.

Archie scowled and drained his glass in one go. "I feel like Team Magma have got one over us", he said. "Well, we'll see about that. Two can play at that game!"

"Huh? Have you got a plan?" Matt asked.

"Yes, I think so. A plan of such impossibly brilliant magnitude, even Maxie couldn't think it up".

"Go on then, what is it?"

Archie put his glass down and smirked at Matt.

"I'm gonna seduce and bed Courtney, the Team Magma admin".

* * *

A couple of days later, Archie was standing outside Team Magma's Secret Base, hands in pockets and wondering how on earth he was going to find Courtney. He couldn't just walk inside and if he approached one of the grunts on guard duty and asked to speak to her, chances were that they'd fetch Maxie instead and then Maxie would chase Archie off with his Pokemon. Archie rubbed his chin, wondering how to proceed.

However, luck was on his side that day. As Archie walked round the base of the volcano, he soon saw none other than Courtney, who was watering some hanging baskets of Hydrangeas. Archie shook his head.

_Bloody stupid Team Magma, having baskets of flowers decorating their base_, he thought. _As if we'd be daft enough to have sodding flowers all over our ship!_

However, he didn't say that to Courtney. Instead, he approached her and smiled.

"Hello Archie", said Courtney in a suspicious tone. "What do you want?"

_This is gonna be easy_ Archie thought.

"Hey, Courtney", he began. "You're looking very attractive today".

Courtney frowned and refilled the watering can from a nearby water butt.

"And, you look really bored too", Archie continued. "How about we do something more fun?"

"Like what?" Courtney asked.

"Well, you know", said Archie. He nudged the air next to him and made a clicking sound with his tongue.

Courtney sighed. "Are you trying to get me into bed?"

"Oh no, no!" Archie shook his head. "We can do it anywhere you want, if you're in a kinky mood".

Courtney upended the watering can over Archie's head. There was a massive splash and Archie gasped and spluttered, shaking himself like a Growlithe.

"So that's a no then", he said and ducked as Courtney threw the watering can at him, missing his head by inches.

* * *

Back at Team Aqua's ship, Archie was drinking more rum and mourning over the failure of his plan.

"I just don't get it", he said to Matt (who had been dragged into Archie's cabin again). "How could Courtney turn down me? I'm practically Arceus' gift to women".

"I dunno Boss", said Matt. "Maybe she had a headache?"

"Huh, I nearly bloody well had one if I wouldn't have ducked away from that sodding watering can", Archie muttered.

Just then, there was a knock at the door. "Yeah, come in", Archie called out.

The door opened and Shelley entered the cabin. Archie glared at her.

"Humph. I am not talking to you!"

"You just spoke to me", Shelley pointed out.

"Yeah, to tell you that I'm not talking to you", Archie repeated.

"You just did it again".

Archie turned to Matt. "Matt, tell Shelley that..."...

"Wait Boss", said Matt. "Maybe she can help".

"Huh?"

"Well...she's a woman".

"Really? Thank you Matt, I would never have known, had you not told me", said Archie.

"Ah, you know what I mean", said Matt. "Shelly can give you advice on how to seduce Courtney".

"Good point", said Archie. "OK Shelly, I'm talking to you again".

Shelly stuck her nose in the air. "I'm not going to help you. You're mean! You're just planning to use Courtney".

"How am I?" Archie said impatiently. "She'll get something back out of it too".

Shelley folded her arms. "Women aren't like that! Courtney is classy and sophisticated and I bet she wants more than just a quick shag. No wonder she won't have anything to do with you".

Archie and Matt stared at Shelley, listening to her every word.

"Ugh, I think I just helped you", Shelley groaned. "I'm going to see Maxie. I hope you don't get any, Boss".

"Thanks Shelley", Archie called after her as Shelley left the cabin, slamming the door after her.

* * *

A couple of weeks later, Archie managed to run into Courtney again. It had not been easy and had involved a lot of hanging about outside of team Magma's Base and fleeing when any of the grunts or Maxie turned up.

At last, Archie's patience had paid off and he saw Courtney leaving one of the entrances. Glad that she didn't have a watering can this time, he went over to her.

"Oh no, not you again", Courtney groaned.

"Uh, hi Courtney", said Archie. He scratched the back of his head awkwardly.

"What do you want?" Courtney asked, turning and heading back towards the Base entrance.

"Oh no, wait!" said Archie, hurrying after her. "I just wanted to say that, um...I'm sorry for last time. I was an arsehole and I deserved to get the watering can chucked at me".

Courtney paused and turned back round. "Really?"

"Yeah, really". Archie scuffed the toes of his boots in the soil. "And, uh...to make it up to you, I'll invite you over for dinner".

"Dinner? Where?"

"Back at my ship. I'll tell the grunts and Matt to sod off, erm I mean to go and do stuff onshore, so that we won't be disturbed".

"Hmm". Courtney looked thoughtful. "I've never been on a ship before".

Archie could tell from her expression that she was definitely interested. He began to feel more hopeful but then Courtney frowned.

"Is this another attempt to get me into bed?"

"No, no", said Archie hastily. "Just dinner, that's all".

Courtney continued to wear a thoughtful expression. Archie leaned up against the rock and waited.

"I'm not sure", said Courtney, in a tone that suggested she had already made up her mind to say yes but was going to hesitate to wind Archie up.

"Oh, go on", said Archie. "It's just dinner and if you wanna hang out or do other stuff afterwards, we can but if you don't, well that's cool too. And, you'll have got a free dinner out of it".

"That does sound good", said Courtney. "But...I'm just not sure".

Archie gritted his teeth. _I must do this for the honour of Team Aqua!_

"Courtney, don't make me beg".

Courtney smiled sweetly at him.

"OK, OK! Please, come and have dinner with me. Please?"

"Well, seeing as you asked me so nicely...alright then".

"Great", said Archie, breathing out with relief. "That's brilliant. Is next Saturday at 19:30 OK?"

"Sure. Meet me here and I'll see that Maxie or the others don't use their Pokemon on you".

"OK then. That's uh, cool", said Archie.

Courtney smiled at him again, then went back inside the Base. Archie pulled a handkerchief out of his trouser pocket and wiped his forehead with it.

"Humph, women!" he muttered. "They're more trouble that they're bloody worth".


	2. Chapter 2

**Part 2**

Saturday evening arrived. Archie met Courtney just outside of Team Magma's Base and was relieved to find that it hadn't been a trap and no grunts or Maxie were waiting for him.

Archie had made a real effort to smarten himself up; he had showered, washed his hair and put on his best shirt and trousers. He was glad he had done so, when he saw Courtney walking towards him. She was wearing a flowing dress; pale lilac in colour and covered in sparkling sequins. She also wore silver sparkly shoes with kitten heels. Archie thought she looked very beautiful.

"Hi Archie", Courtney said, smiling at him.

"Uhm, hi there", said Archie. "You, uh look really nice, not in your Team Magma uniform. Not that you don't look nice when you're wearing it though, as well".

"It's alright, I know what you mean", said Courtney, amused by Archie's awkwardness. "Shall we go then?"

"Sure!" Archie had borrowed a flying Pokemon off one of his grunts; a Tropius. He released it from its Pokeball and then he and Courtney climbed onto its back. The Tropius took off; soaring up into the air and soon leaving behind the smoky volcano.

"Oh, this is amazing! It smells so fresh and clean up here", Courtney said, delighted.

"Heh, wait until you get to the ocean", Archie grinned.

They flew onwards, the countryside passing below like a patchwork map and the sun sinking beyond the horizon, turning the western sky gold and crimson. Presently, the sea came into view and Archie pointed out the Team Aqua ship, which was anchored about half a mile off the shore.

"Wow, a ship! A real one!" exclaimed Courtney. "I've never been on a ship before".

"Never?" Archie gasped. "Courtney, you've missed out so much! What about a boat?"

"Does a rowing boat at the local park count?"

"Well, yeah, that'll do for a start".

Archie petted the Tropius' neck. "OK, land on the deck please, Beryl. Don't hit the table!"

Beryl circled round, lower and lower before finally coming to land. Courtney could see that the table mentioned was a polished wooden one, covered with a white cotton tablecloth. Cutlery, napkins and two wine glasses sat on the table

"We're going to have dinner on the surface?" Courtney asked, excited.

"Uhuh, yeah", said Archie. "It's such a nice evening, it'd be stuffy, not to mention dead boring to eat below deck".

"Yes, I agree", said Courtney, gazing up at the sky, now a deep shade of velvet blue. The brightest stars were just beginning to shine and there was a faded band of pink low down to the west.

Archie helped Courtney down off Beryl's back. "Thanks Beryl", he said, stroking the Tropius' head. "That was a really smooth flight". Beryl lowed softly and returned to her ball for a nap. Archie slipped the ball back on his belt, then pulled one of the chairs out.

"You sit there and I'll go and get dinner up", he said to Courtney.

"Thank you", said Courtney.

Archie went down to the kitchens and five minutes later, returned with a tray which was covered with a cloche. He was balancing it with one hand and carrying a bottle of wine in the other. Courtney's eyes widened in alarm and she waited for everything to fall with a crash.

"Ha, dinner is served", said Archie, putting the tray and the wine down with ease.

Courtney breathed a sigh of relief.

"Archie, I'm surprised you didn't drop it!"

"I spend about 75% of my time on a ship", Archie grinned. "I have very good balance".

He took the cloche off the tray and Courtney admired their meal.

"That looks delicious", she said.

"It's chicken and pasta with Edam", Archie replied. "And white wine, to go well with it". He set the bottle down, took a corkscrew out of his trouser pocket and removed the cork with a loud pop.

"A Kalosian vintage", Archie said, pouring the sparkling wine into Courtney's glass. "From the vineyards south of Kiloude City".

"Oooooh", said Courtney. "That's really fancy wine".

"Yeah, isn't it". Archie checked the label. "Year, 1992. That was a very good year, if I remember right".

"You know a lot about wine", Courtney said impressed. Archie poured himself a glass, basking in her admiration. However, seconds later, Courtney frowned.

"Wait a minute...you remember 1992? How old were you in 1992, exactly?"

"Erm, three at the beginning and four at the end", Archie admitted.

Courtney started to laugh. "How can you remember the wine then? Surely you were hardly off milk at that age?"

"My Mom told me about it", Archie said with dignity.

Courtney laughed again but Archie was secretly pleased because he could tell that already she was enjoying herself a lot. The meal went really well; Archie took care to mind his manners and he talked to Courtney about various different things, paying attention when he noticed that she looked especially interested.

"The ship is fitted with state of the art navigational equipment", Archie was saying. "But sometimes, I just turn it all off and navigate the old fashioned way".

"What is that way?" Courtney asked.

"By using the stars", said Archie. "You can find your way to anyplace in the world by following the constellations, you know".

"Wow, really?" Courtney said and she looked up. "They are so bright here. At our Base, the smoke from the volcano often blots them out".

"Yeah, they're really something, huh?" Archie agreed.

"Yes", said Courtney, her eye shining as bright as said stars. Archie smiled and sipped some more wine.

_Ha, at this rate, I'll only have to take her on a couple more dates and she'll be in my bed faster than a Vaporeon into a clear lake_, he thought.

For pudding, Archie had made chocolate mousse, which Courtney also enjoyed. She was really impressed by the fact that he could cook and had good taste in wine. At last, everything was eaten; all the wine drunk and Archie had cleared away the empty dishes and cutlery. He approached Courtney, who was leaning over the ships' rails, watching the sea lapping gently below.

"So? Did you have a good time tonight?" he asked hopefully.

Courtney turned round and smiled at Archie. "Yes, it was splendid. I honestly enjoyed every second of it".

"Well, good", said Archie. "That's really great".

"Uhuh, yeah", Courtney agreed.

Archie rubbed his chin, suddenly feeling awkward again.

"Um well, what do you wanna do now? You can leave if you like?"

"Do you want me to go?" Courtneys' eyes were wide.

"No, of course not", Archie said quickly. "It's great you being here. Ah, what would you like to do?"

Courtney hesitated.

"Could we go below decks?" she finally asked. "I want to see more of your ship".

"Yeah, OK", said Archie, pleased that Courtney wanted to stay a little longer. "Where would you like to see first?"

"Could I see your cabin?"

Archie swallowed. "Uh, my cabin?"

"Yes". Courtney giggled. "If that's alright, of course".

"Well, sure", Archie said, trying not to sound reluctant. The truth was, his cabin was pretty untidy and he was afraid that once Courtney had seen it, she would go back to thinking he was a loser and a waste of time.

"Splendid", said Courtney and she slipped her arm through Archie's. Archie smiled weakly at her and led her over to the hatch for them to go below.

_Ok, maybe it's not that bad_ Archie thought, trying to remember just how messy his cabin was. _I know there's no half eaten stale food lying around. Or any half eaten fresh food. Or any half drunk bottles of rum..._

They entered Archie's cabin; Courtney looking round curiously. Archie cringed. It was much worse than he had remembered. The walls were covered with Pirate Metal bands that surely any self respecting girl would think was utterly uncool. The tables were littered with all kinds of stuff, ranging from Pokedolls to bicycle pumps. His bed was unmade, with half the blankets falling onto the floor and why, why had he left his underwear on the floor.

Archie groaned and put his hands over his eyes.

"I'm sorry Courtney, I know it's awful", he began, not daring to look at her. "I really oughta have tidied up..."...

"No, I'm glad you didn't" said Courtney, in a _not cross at all_ tone.

Archie peeped out from between his fingers.

"You...are?" he asked.

"Yes", said Courtney. "If I would have come in here and it would have been super tidy, I'd have known that you'd have done that because you were planning to get me into bed".

"Um", said Archie, going red. He didn't know what to say and wished that the floor would just open and swallow him up.

_On seconds thoughts, no I don't_, he thought. _We're on a bloody ship; it'd sink if that happened!_

"Because your cabin is so untidy", Courtney went on. "I know that you were telling the truth the other day and that you genuinely invited me round for dinner and didn't expect anything else".

Courtney beamed at Archie and moved to stand a little closer to him.

"I was wrong about you, Archie and I'm glad I was. You're a real gentleman".

Archie blinked, suddenly thinking this wasn't going so bad after all.

"Really?" he said. "You...like me then?"

"Of course I like you", said Courtney, strategically steering Archie over to the bed. She pushed him down onto it and began unbuttoning his shirt.

"Now let me thank you for dinner", she said.

"Huh?" Archie said, dazed at this new turn of events. "B-but I don't get it".

"What is there not to get?" Courtney asked, removing Archie's shirt and dropping it to the floor.

"First you didn't want to sleep with me and...now, you do?"

"Well, yes! Because now it's on my terms", Courtney said, sliding her arms around Archie.

"But..." Archie began again.

"Archie, shut up", said Courtney, silencing him by kissing him.

_Women!_ Archie thought, as he returned Courtney's kiss. _I'll never bloody understand them!_

* * *

The following morning, Archie and Courtney lay curled up together in Archie' bed. Archie had one arm around Courtney and he was stroking her soft hair with his free hand. Courtney was perfectly relaxed; head tucked under Archie' chin and breathing peacefully.

"Hey, Courtney", Archie said, after a moment. "Did you enjoy yesterday?"

"Yes", Courtney murmured. Then she lifted her head and there was a gleam in her eyes. "And the dinner wasn't bad either".

"Uh!" Archie went red and Courtney burst out laughing.

"Hahaha, you're embarrassed! Oh Archie, I never thought I could make you blush".

"I never thought you could either", Archie admitted.

"Seriously though", said Courtney, bringing her giggles under control. "I had a brilliant time with you. She looked over at the porthole reluctantly, where the morning sun was already shining in. "I'll be sorry to have to leave".

"Well you don't have to", said Archie. "You could always join Team Aqua, you know", he added hopefully.

"Archie", said Courtney sternly.

"I was just kidding!"

"Hmm", said Courtney, snuggling up to Archie again. "I do want to see you again though. When can we meet up next?"

"Huh?" Archie said, startled.

"When can we go on another date?"

Archie blinked, confused. He hadn't expected that. That wasn't part of the plan.

_OK, sure I was gonna take her on as many dates as I needed to get her into bed_ he thought. _But, it's mission complete now. _

Courtney gazed up at him with beautiful purple eyes, waiting…

_NO way_. Archie thought. _NO bloody way! I'm not falling for Courtney. I'm a free and easy type of guy and I don't wanna be in a relationship. Nope, not happening._

"Archie?" said Courtney, reaching up to caress Archie' hair and looking more adorable by the second.

"How about next Wednesday?" Archie blurted out.

"Perfect", said Courtney, grinning in triumph and kissing Archie on the cheek.

* * *

Matt stood outside of Team Magma's Base; arms folded and frowning as he gazed up at the volcano. He had been doing a bit of thinking over the last couple of weeks and had come up with a good idea.

_Shelley and Archie are going out with Maxie and Courtney, which means both of them have access to Team Magma's Base_, he thought._ They could be gathering secret information; learning the location of the Blue or Red orbs! And what are they doing instead? Well, it sure doesn't involve Orbs!_

_So, I guess it's up to me!_

After overhearing Archie and Shelley talking that day, Matt knew that they were both going out on dates. And that meant Team Magma's Secret Base would be highly unguarded. Sure, there would be some grunts about. But Matt knew that he could easily take their weak Pokemon out with his own strong and skilfully trained Pokemon.

_Then I'll get inside, have a good look around and hopefully find out something useful that'll either halt Magmas' plans or further our plans to increase the ocean_, Matt thought.

Matt made his way around the base of the volcano, confident that he would succeed. _I won't be like Archie, distracted by a pretty girl_, he thought. _Our plans are far more important. I'm not interested in women. _

Just as Matt was rounding the next corner, somebody was coming in the opposite direction and they crashed into him. Matt gasped for breath and the other chap bounced off him, fell over backwards and ended up on the ground with his legs in the air.

Thinking it was a grunt not looking where he was going, Matt was about to yell at him. Then, as he looked closer, he realised it was a Magma admin. But it wasn't just ANY admin. This one was sweet, chubby and simply adorable.

Matt felt as if a Pokemon had used Attract on him. And it was Super Effective.

"I'm sorry", he said, going over to the dazed admin. "Here, let me help you up".

"Thank you", said the admin, fitting so comfortably in Matts' arms.

_Oh, you cute little thing_, Matt thought. _If we were both Pokemon, I'd take you to the Day Care with me!_

"What's your name?" Matt asked, reluctantly releasing the admin from his hold.

"Tabitha. What's yours?"

"Matt", replied Matt, trying not to blush.

"Hello Matt", said Tabitha. "Sorry I crashed into you like that. Would you like to come inside for a cup of tea?"

_The orbs! Think of the orbs!_ Matt told himself frantically.

Tabitha smiled at him and Matt felt himself melt into a puddle of helplessness.

"Uh...yeah. Sure", he stammered.

Tabitha slipped his hand into Matt's and led him towards the volcano entrance.

_Oh well_, Matt thought, as he walked alongside Tabitha. _Orbs are really over rated anyway_.

**The End**

* * *

**Credits:**

_The following thanks goto:_

The Star of Neo-Nova - Helped with the storyline.

Dina Ellefson Rattlehead - Helped with ideas for the date.

Liz - Helped with choosing Courtney's outfit.


End file.
